Deal the hand. Take the cards.

9/20/16

It has been 8 months to the day of my concussion. Wow. Looking back there are so many holes in that period of time. I don’t remember much about it. Like time was passing but I was hovering above in a fog. Many times where I was doing things that I shouldn’t have been. I made decisions that I was not mentally stable to give go. Led down a road of misery with workers compensation insurance with a constant back and forth of trying to dismiss my symptoms. I was begging, hoping, crying, testing, falling, and picking myself back up. Doing anything and everything I could on my own to move forward. Today, I am still experiencing headaches, dizziness, light sensitivity, memory loss and so on. All of that from hitting heads with my coworker. I mean, is that crazy or what? If I wouldn’t have experienced this first hand I may have thought so, but apparently it’s not as rare as you’d think. Research states that the first week following your head trauma sets the bar for your recovery. What did I do then? Went to the doctor who ignored my symptoms and said that I must have a middle ear problem (even though my ears were fine) and should go back to work. Go back to work when I honestly shouldn’t have been driving much less working. You’re so out of your right mind that you don’t know what’s really happening around you or what is the right thing to do. It’s a fog, a hazy unclear headspace. I was emotional, regardless if that means being sad or mad it was intense. I felt so alone. I never thought I’d be able to read again, listen to music past a mild decibel, dance, run, and swim. Thankfully most of that has been restored with minor repercussions to doing them. One random thing people close to me know is that I know a wide variety of song lyrics, hip hop to be specific, (seriously, just my thing). I remember hearing familiar songs and not being able to find the lyrics. I remember sitting at breakfast with a friend and breaking down crying because I couldn’t add in the tip. We’re talking a few dollars to a bill of $12. Trying to hold a conversation and not finding regular words in my vocabulary. Do you know how terrifying that is? We take so much for granted and don’t even realize it. I’m definitely guilty of it. But take away someone’s ability to read, what did I do? Buy $75 worth of books off of amazon to practice just a little everyday. Take away my ability to work out? Slowly work in yoga, stretching, and light workouts with my roommate. It’s like physical therapy. You have to train to get your balance back, your memory, (if even possible), your ability to read and really just the ability to ENJOY YOUR LIFE.

I’ve worked in nightlife since I was 18. I LOVE music. I love people. I love the energy. The intensity. The socialism. I remember the thought of never being able to enjoy that ever again. It was heartbreaking. Going back into work was a big reality check. The first two nights I was sent home. I just stood there and watched the time pass. Standing in fear of being hit again while the walls closed in as the venue filled with patrons, the music getting louder and the lights getting dimmer, flashes of light and people pushing through the crowd. It was a nightmare. I’ve tried to go back in a few times after that and it makes the symptoms that much worse. It’s a room of triggers. My boss has been accommodating and helpful by trying to understand and research what I’m experiencing. This leads me to the next path on this journey. Super Better.

My boss heard this podcast of a woman suffering post concussive syndrome that invents video games for a living. She wasn’t healing after a month so she started this game to help herself heal. It worked. It is now used for people with depression, post concussive and many other ailments. I first listened to the pod cast on the road to my dads. I finally felt like someone fully understood what I was going through. To feel such a connection to a stranger and know that I wasn’t the only one and that this is real. It was so inspiring and I am thankful for not only being guided to hearing it but that she took initiative to help herself and others that are suffering. I’m so ready to try the game, (it is free for anyone interested in playing) and heal completely, (or at least a high 90’s percentage).

Special thank you to Heather. Your daily inspiration and energy was so motivational to be around. You have no idea how much you have helped me throughout this process. Thank you. And Thomas, the caring yet demanding voice when I couldn’t make decisions for myself, I wouldn’t have had half of the treatments that helped me if you weren’t there to make me to go. Your genuine care and support means so much to me. Thank you. And to all of those around me, that listened or just sat with me, called, text, emailed. Thank you. I have no idea who I was but I’m sure thankful you were all there to be of support in one of the most difficult injuries I’ve ever had to recover from. I’m sure I was strange to be around, but thank you. I appreciate each and every one of you. I will recover from this. I know myself and those that know me know I’m tough as nails. Headed to the top.

#progress #healing #recovery #concussion